I Am Just Buried In My Work

Researchers recently found out that 2,200-year-old man might have prostate cancer and that it may be too late for chemo! Scientists have recently learned that the mummy recovered from Egypt was a victim of genetics and the second oldest person with prostate cancer ever discovered. Maybe if he had switched to a PPO instead of his HMO he would be able to talk to us today as a survivor!

I don’t know what part of archaeology creeps me out the most: 1) that one day in the future someone will dig us up, experiment on us, and then put us on display in a place that will allow a bunch of kids to urinate on our remains or 2) that someone wanted to understand how a two thousand-year old penis works (here’s a news flash – without Viagra, it probably doesn’t!).

Scientists that wanted to be like Indiana Jones as children traipse through the world disturbing dead people. They say this helps us better understand how primitive people live – I say they are just a bunch of sick, twisted fucks! Think about it – if you went to the cemetery and dug up Lester’s Uncle Joe-Bob, you would go to jail for desecrating a corpse! Try telling a judge that you exhumed a body in the name of science and he will lock your ass up with people who will lovingly call you Frankenstein as they bury something of their own!

I think the dead should be left buried. This way we don’t have to worry about them coming back in a Zombie Apocalypse!

How many zombie movies have you seen where the undead could dig through a slab of concrete with just their hands? None, that’s how many!

I also want to make sure that when I am buried, that nothing of value is placed anywhere near me. This way no one will have a reason to dig me up. Maybe write on my headstone and casket an epitaph that reads “This jackass died poor.”

I also don’t like how they treat the dead when they research them! Inca’s were great brain surgeons. How do we know? Because we removed the skulls of dead Incas and studied them individually in a lab a few thousand miles from the rest of their bodies!

I think I like my head where it is – attached! And heaven forbid if you are a famous dead person, because you will never be allowed to rest in peace – I am looking at you Michael Jackson! We are constantly digging up some of these famous dead for new scientific studies. People like Napoleon have been tested more times than tenth street hooker after tourist season ends!

At its very best, isn’t archaeology just a big word that means grave robber? I mean, isn’t the only reason you dig up a dead king that is known to have tons of gold buried with him is because you want to sell a few golden calves to finance your next dig?

I think the ancient Egyptians knew that future humans would be into this necrophilia like fetish and that is the real reason they built those booby traps. They weren’t worried about normal grave robbers, they were worried about some crazy future historian that would lovingly exhibit their body parts in multiple museums!

But hey, if it weren’t for people digging up other dead people, we would have missed out on a great Halloween costume idea!


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