I Wouldn’t Have Recognized You If I Hadn’t Seen Your Ass

Forget finger print scanning technology, Japan has discovered the next best thing: Ass Scan Technology! I’ve been doing this for years in places like the beach, the mall, family reunions…

I am just surprised it has taken someone so long to develop! Sometimes its easier for me to remember someone by looking at their butt rather than their face. Can’t remember the girl from Thursday night? Just tell her to turn around and BAM – Hi Stacy!

But instead of using this amazing new technology to help someone remember a hazy alcohol infused evening, Japan is using it to identify the person that drove the car last! Japan’s Advanced Institute of Industrial Technology has created a new gadget that will tell who has driven a vehicle based on the shape of the driver’s ass. The technology requires 360 sensors placed into the driver’s seat and has a 98% accuracy rate.

My question is what happens if your ass gets fat? Or if you have a twin? Can it still recognize whose ass was driving the car? Are twins asses identical? I think this project is begging for more research!

But besides identifying drivers and the nameless girl you brought home a few weeks ago, what else could this technology be used for?

Well I am glad you asked my loyal readers!

1. Paternity Tests. Imagine with a few tweaks a machine that can determine whether or not a child belongs to you by scanning the shapes of the mother’s ass and the supposed father’s ass and comparing that with the child’s ass. Using age progression-like technology along with what we know about genetics and you could accurately predict whether, in the word’s of Maury Povich – “You ARE the father!”

2. Establishing Alibis. If you are suspected of a crime, like say murder, then this technology could be used to prove that you were really sitting in a booth at Dairy Queen, watching Criminal Minds at home on your couch, or banging the neighbor’s wife while he was working.

3. Bathroom Etiquette. This technology can also keep you out of trouble with the woman in your life. Guys, are tired of being accused of leaving the toilet seat up? This technology will keep your ass in line by recording the last person to sit on it. This way if you sit down after you finished and then someone comes along and leaves the seat up, you can replay the ass cam to show your innocence!

4. Biometrics. People already photocopy their ass to put into interoffice memos, but imagine if that was the way you logged into the copier. Or your laptop. Or even you car. You just place your ass on the scanning reticule and it would unlock the door or device!

5. GPS Location. You could rub your ass against a special made device that would automatically check you into the place you are visiting. It would work sort of like you were a cat rubbing against someones leg. Just slide against and keep walking. No more awkward fumbling with your phone as you try to tell everyone on Facebook that you are at the mall!

6. Dating Sites. Lets face it, this is the picture that everyone wants to see on your profile anyway. But a special designed ass data-base could recall all current pictures for potential suitors to see. The ass data-base would hold college ID photos, driver’s license photos and any Facebook/Flickr/MySpace photos you may have stored away online. Just hold your ass up to the screen and it will pull all the other relevant data!

7. Identity Theft. Instead of pin numbers and passwords, just use your ass! This would keep down any confusion and prevent anyone from stealing your “ass”ets.

8. Stalking. Remember that girl on the train that you know is destined to be yours forever? But when you went to take her picture she had turned and all you got was a shot of her ass as she walked away? Well, worry no more. With the Walk Away Ass App on iPhone, you could identify her just from her derriere! No more having to ride the same train over and over, just trying to get a clear shot of her face so you can hack into the DMV in an effort to get her address. Nope, with one nice shot of her ass and you can show right up at her home and profess your love!

9. Banking. You can use you ass as the key to vault. Need a place to store your cash, weed, or other valuables, push your ass against the vault door and it will be safe from prying eyes.

Japan, you won’t this in cars in three years, but think big and make an assload of money by incorporating these other ideas!

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