I Have A Cavity, But I Ran Out Of Printer Ink

Have you ever had a bunch of papers that you needed to hold together but didn’t want to use staples? Wouldn’t a paper clip be much more useful? But who ever has a paper clip handy? The answer to that question is: anyone that used Dr. Michael Clair as their personal dentist.

No, he didn’t offer them as souvenirs. Or even to hold the mountain of paperwork one gets when filing insurance claims. Or even to hold together the massive bills he charged you.

No…Michael used them in the place of steel rods when he gave patients a root canal.

That’s right. Michael used office supplies to fix your teeth and save him some money in the process. I guess buying medical supplies from Office Max could save you a ton of money that could be then passed on to informed consumers! Oh wait…Michael didn’t pass on any savings. Instead he allegedly charged higher rates than other dentists and he threatened anyone that caught wind of what he was doing.

I am not sure what kind of threats carry more weight than using random unsterilized office supplies to perform delicate surgeries in a persons mouth, but he was successful in silencing all witnesses! Maybe this guy just looked up to MacGyver and thought if Richard Dean Anderson’s famous character could build a nuclear device with a tooth pick, some floss, an old shoe, and some Play Doh, then surely he could fix people’s mouths using just everyday household objects!

He’s also accused of bilking Medicaid out of $130,000! That means there are a lot of old people with paper clips in their mouths! Wonder if he used staples after any of the surgical procedures he performed? I hear Wal-Mart sells these two items together a lot more cheaply than buying them separately!

Michael allegedly also illegally prescribed medication to patients in effort to get them so addicted to Oxycontin that they forget who pulled their wisdom teeth!

The best part of it all though is that the Massachusetts Attorney General says that paper clips “can be used as a temporary measure…Clair was using them as a permanent fix.” If I were Clair’s attorney, I would claim that all those patients were given temporary patches until they could be scheduled for the real things. So what if some of these temporary patches have been in people’s mouths for almost a decade, they just couldn’t afford to get the stainless steel ones put in after what he charged for the paper clips!

This whole thing makes me even more nervous about having some random person put their hands in my mouth. What if instead of a crown they use aluminum foil? What if they filled a cavity with silly putty?

Luckily, Clair’s license to practice has been revoked in every state – although I hear that he can still practice in Canada!

Clair is also accused of assault and battery on some of the witnesses! This guy sounds like a mob dentist to me! Did anyone check to see if Marlon Brando’s picture was hanging in the foyer of his office?

I’ll bet when he said he just “gas” the patient, he really meant to “smoke” them. Maybe the states he has practiced in should look into whether any missing people were his former patients!

All I know is that he may have bridged a few gaps with the rising costs of health care, but he lacked the wisdom to drill down to the root of the problem.

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