Everyone knows the economy is down in most parts of the world. And yet, there are still some enterprising entrepreneurs in the world! Take the drug lords of Columbia!
They have begun to sell more cattle to cover their losses on the faltering cocaine market. America has long been the main patrons of Columbia’s “Cash Cow Crop,” but as people face starvation the idea of dropping $60 for a 2 minute high is outweighed by the necessity to eat. That’s right, as it turns out, a coke-head would actually rather have a hamburger than snort an 8 ball! This is made more poignant by the fact that Americans are so obese now and cocaine is a drug that makes you skinny! I’d say the drug lords are just catering to our demands!
Perhaps they could get a deal worked out with McDonald’s. Imagine that “toy surprise” in your Happy Meal! Wouldn’t be cool to find out that the hidden ingredient on those all beef patties covered in “special sauce” lettuce and cheese was actually cocaine? This really could explain the addictive properties!
Or better yet, why not open a new chain of Fast Food restaurants called The Crack House? They could offer Strawberry-Heroin shakes and mouth watering Opium Fries! Maybe we could dip our Meth Nuggets in a nice Ecstasy or Polynesian Sauce.
Sketchy Paul and Ed the Enforcer could be mascots! Sketchy Paul could help inject our youth with higher aspirations while Ed the Enforcer beat down the prices of competitors!
In other news related to animals, TraveLodge has released a list of the most bizarre items ever left in one of their rooms. Among those items – a live hamster! Didn’t that guest know that gerbils are more durable? Perhaps they were needing something a bit smaller though…
The hamster, whose name is Frederick, was reunited with his “master” a few hours later when the man realized that he had driven all the way home without him! Ladies, you can never say that your lover is inconsiderate because I doubt he just left you in a cheap motel drove 4 hours before realizing that you were not in the car!
Other items included an expensive Vera Wang Wedding gown and an 18 month old baby.
Okay I can get that you left a dress, a teddy bear, some watches, a giant Mr Blobby costume, but how the hell do you forget a toddler? Between the noise they make and the fact they are always getting into something, it would seem hard to not notice one! Perhaps the parents (who were so intent to get to a wedding) felt that maid service included child care. “No I don’t need towels, but Jr. eats at 3.”
Also in the world of animal news, Spanish churches welcomed pets of all kinds into their doors yesterday in honor of Saint Anthony’s Day. Saint Anthony is the patron saint of scooping, and because of his affinity of spaying and neutering, his day was celebrated in churches across the Spanish countryside. These church going pets were blessed by priests and prayed over. This is because the only way that animals can get into heaven is if they get baptized first.
I wonder if anyone prayed for that poor hamster I mentioned earlier?
I plan to take my porcupine, Pointy, there next year in the hopes that the prayers will bless him with a sharp mind and “tack”ful demeanor.
One man, Carlos Romero, brought his 5-year-old turtle Paula and allegedly asked the priests to “pray she doesn’t become soup.”
Many of the visitors dressed their pets in elaborate baptism clothes that showed the animals purity. Or that maybe it is house broken. After the animals were blessed the parishioners were given three loaves of a special bread to take home with them. One of the loaves is meant to be kept for a year beside a coin to ensure prosperity. Maybe we should look at doing this at soup kitchens here – instead of feeding the hungry, we could give them inedible breads that will grant them Good Luck by storing it next to a coin they earned from panhandling!
Regardless of which blessings you may be seeking, this only proves that Christianity is winning the religious war because our side has ponies! And monkeys! And a one eyed Cocker Spaniel named Ed!