2011 has come to a close and 2012 has been going strong for a couple of days. Looking back over the year, we had some interesting events occur and I have had the pleasure of sharing those with you.
So I decided the best thing I could do today would be to take us down memory lane as we remember the stories that made us laugh, the stories that made us cry, and the stories that made us go “What the fuck?”
Sympathy For The Devil came into the world on the 10th of February to very little fanfare. My first post was there to simply warn you all of what was coming and to warn you that my personal muse had a name – and that name is Absinthe! Then I walked you through my experience at the DMV. Next time I go to renew my license, I will remember to bring my chickens inside with me, as that seems to get you moved to the front of the line!
I told you about my hate for Facebook games…why do I care that Elle needs energy to fight off a rattlesnake? Should Jerry really be allowed to manage a restaurant? I think Billy likes his sheep a little too much…
Then I told you who I planned to vote for in the next election, and that person is Basil Marceaux. He plans to give every criminal and nut case some guns and his immigration policy consists of deporting anyone that looks like a Mexican – regardless if they are citizens or not, or even a Mexican!!!
Then we talked about the many reasons you should encourage a stalker. After all, they will love you more than anyone else! They light candles for you every night and masturbate to the photos they took of you without you knowing!
We talked about the best way to reach decisions by using a scientifically sound theory – the Magic 8-ball! It can help you decide everything from dating to major life changing events. Want to decide on a career? Maybe instead of that design position with Calvin Klein, it will tell you to work as a ride attendant at the traveling carnival!
I discussed how we should celebrate Valemercialism Day by making all Valentine’s Day purchases at the pawn shop! Nothing says love like a used handgun and the jewelry someone stole from their grandmother to pay the rent!
I wrote one morning while experiencing a hangover. I told you about the time I woke up next to Jabba the Hutt’s sister!
Then Levi’s introduced a new trend in fashion – women’s clothing designed for men to wear! Nothing says fashionable like a guy in a skort! Maybe once this trend takes off couples can get matching handbags and dresses!
I shared my idea of the types of pets that should be sold at the pet store. Instead of a fuzzy little kitten, I want a sea lion! I just wonder if I could easily get baby seals to feed to it!
I shared my fear of bears and told you of the deeply kept secret of the Bear-spiracy! They are coming to get us and I want us prepared! Sure, they may be cute and cuddly – but you won’t think it is so cute when you realize bear hug is code for shred you to pieces!
I talked to you all about P.E.T.A. and their habits of killing most of the animals in their care! And that they wanted to start a porn business. I don’t know about you, but the idea of P.E.T.A. and porn in the same sentence turns me on!
I learned how to write and how to perform CPR this year! My professor kept me after class because I was disruptive and disrespectful…How dare that high school PE coach call me disruptive when he spent all semester feeling up the cute 18 year old in the class!
I told you the many great things about geeky girls… I tried internet dating so that you wouldn’t have to… I surfed through Craig’s List to find the best deals – like that guy that wanted another guy to masturbate with him while watching movies or that girl that wanted a guy to come over to her house with roofies, duct tape and rope…I told you about one man’s journey to keep aliens from invading us… I took a walk down the SlutWalk… I take sole credit for freeing Amanda Knox… I told you about a girl who robbed people so she could buy porn… I mentioned a 21 year old guy that got stuck in a child’s swing… I reviewed a book by Jennifer Knox, a book I still recommend for anyone – whether you like poetry or not! I discussed my Bacon scented perfume fetish – come on ladies, wear this for me… I discussed racism and religion – at the same time… I shared my personal experiences with Christmas and Thanksgiving… I mentioned a cool idea from the Scottsdale Gun Club – letting kids pose with Santa and machine guns… I brought to your attention America’s love of bondage…
And much more than I could even begin to rehash! But now that 2011 is over, I look forward to what this new year brings. What stories loom on the horizon? I hope that you have enjoyed my first year bringing you the stories I enjoyed telling and I hope that this year we will bring it as bigger, better and more fun!
Happy New Year Year all!