I Would Have Gotten You A Better Gift, But I Waited Til The Last Minute

I always wait til the last minute to go shopping for Christmas…and from the thousands of people at the mall, I must not be the only one! It’s these thousands of other shoppers that make last minute shopping unenjoyable to me! Why can’t people be more responsible, so that I don’t have to fight crowds!

The trip to the mall starts with fighting over a parking spot. As I go to pull into a spot, a 90 year old woman cuts me off and takes my spot! Seeing the shocked expression on my face, this old lady proceeds to flip me off! Who does she think she is? Then I notice another space – this one closer to the door! I slam the gas and make a play for the new space! I even laugh as I cut off a van and pull into the spot!

Sure that guy in the wheel chair may be pissed that I took his pretty blue parking space, but I got this one fair and square!

Making my way into the mall, I start watching all these other shoppers doing what I am doing! At Victoria’s Secret, two women were arguing over a pair of panties…clerks broke it up before hair pulling and Jell-O could be introduced!

Over at the Barnes & Nobles, a nerdy guy is discussing how the trek into Mordor is symbolic to our modern invasion of Iraq to a disinterested blonde that I assume is only with him until Christmas because the gift she bought him can’t be returned and the one he bought her is measured in carets.

Over at Aeropostale, I ask the girl at the counter if the gift cards come in my size. She remarks that from the look of my bank account, probably not!

This reminds me that being broke = no fun! So I begin to fish quarters out of the center fountain! The key to fishing is always about using the right bait! So I borrow a three year old while his parents aren’t looking and toss him in the fountain! I have him start handing me as much change as his little hands can hold until mall security shows up! I inform them that I have no idea who the child belongs to and I fall back into the crowd!

I make my way to the pet store and begin teaching the parrots to say “suck my nuts.” One African Gray gets it right away!

After getting tossed out of the store because I kept asking people to put their hands down my pants to pet my snake, I Head over to Pier 1 Imports. Once there, I tell an employee I want to buy some shit made out of straw. Then I ask whether any of it was made in a sweat shop by little kids. The girl says she isn’t sure how hot it was, but she was sure they had air conditioning!

At this point I am getting tired of walking around, and this is when I see a young mother pushing a stroller which gives me a great idea! I will hire someone to push me around the mall! I make my way to the information desk to rent a stroller big enough for me and possibly an illegal immigrant to push me around! The guy at the counter informs me that I should have rented my help from Home Depot because the mall doesn’t offer that service…

Bummed, I depart the mall. Along the way I watch two elderly men beat each other with canes for the last container of Polident from the Dollar Tree.

Outside a rent-a-cop is writing a ticket for some jack-ass parked in a handicapped spot. I laughed until I realized that jack-ass was me…

Which makes me hate last minute shopping even more…


One comment on “I Would Have Gotten You A Better Gift, But I Waited Til The Last Minute

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