We Really Set Things Off

Folks, there are a lot of things we are called to do that we wish we could get out of. Things like jury duty, dinners with in-laws, and in the case of Bryant Brown – drug testing at the local probation office in Anchorage, Alaska.

The many elaborate excuses that come with avoiding things we don’t want to do are varied and often extreme. We tell judges that we believe in the death penalty for walking and chewing gum at the same time! We fake appendicitis to avoid awkward family gatherings! And Bryant allegedly calls in bomb threats to avoid a piss test!

Taking a cue from high school students everywhere, Bryant supposedly called the probation office on both occasions that he was scheduled to appear for a drug test to confirm the presence of explosives! The spokesman for the Anchorage Police Station, Lt. Dave Parker, said that Bryant was the only person scheduled to appear on Nov. 22nd and 23rd. The only two days that bomb threats were called in!

Apparently in Alaska, people on probation are given a colored card with the police stations phone number on it. And these people have to call the station everyday to see what color it is! And if that color comes up, then that person has to go to the station for drug testing! They call it “Operation: Skittles – Testing for Rainbows, Blow, Weed, Meth, Etc.”

Bryant was arrested yesterday after his scheme blew up in his face and is scheduled to be arraigned today. The judge is said to be a bit incendiary towards idiots and my drop a bomb of his own onto poor Bryant.

Bryant could always claim it was just a prank call, like those made to Sarah Palin back in ’08…come to think of it…what was Bryant doing at the time of those calls? Maybe he was responsible for them as well!

But Mr Brown is not the first person to use the “bomb threat” to control situations. Just this past September 11th, a woman called in a bomb threat to Southwest Airline in an effort to prevent her family from flying! That’s because terrorists are like Jason Voorhees and plan all of their atrocities on that one specific date! Mary Purcell admitted to authorities that she made two calls to the Tuscon International Airport on September 10th.

Myrtle Beach Police are ready to throw the book at whomever is calling bomb threats into it’s schools. Yesterday, Myrtle Beach High received the latest of the many threats the county schools have been getting. They have had more than 6 bomb threats to their various schools in 15 days. They have made several arrests in conjunction with these calls. One being an 11 year old boy! He had seen Freddie from iCarly call one in on the hit Nickelodeon show. Another girl, Ashley Snyder, was arrested after she posted “Time to die” during a bomb threat evacuation. I felt that such a posting was appropriate for the crisis at hand, authorities believe however, that she is trying to take over the world and took her to a detention facility to be tortured… ahem… interviewed about her affiliations with bears.

Perhaps we should rethink how we punish people accused of such crimes. Sure sharing a cell with a guy that will use you as his personal sperm bank may change the minds of many, but some people may enjoy that.

Instead why not make them do things that are humiliating. Like dress as a pinata for a children’s party! Or in the case of male offenders – make them wear signs suggesting that they have smaller than average genitalia! They could be forced to clean public restrooms with tooth brushes! Hell, they could clean my restroom with a toothbrush!

Maybe make them dress as mimes and go out and entertain people in the seedier parts of town! That would be enough to scare anyone into a non-criminal lifestyle!

Or force them to watch the entire Barney series! Hearing that song is certainly cruel punishment!

Because of our fear of terrorists, we are surely blowing these prank calls out of proportion. Maybe we should call the bomb squad on our fears and detonate these practical joker’s sick sense of humor…

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