Each Time I Purchase Her, She’s Family

Inmates of several Kyrgyzstan prisons are staging a hunger strike over their current mistreatment. And how, pray tell, are these miscreants being abused? Joldochbek Bouzourmankoulov, the spokesman for the sentencing guidelines of Kyrgyzstan, says that it’s over new restrictions banning prostitutes from visiting the inmates.

I say that is unconstitutional! Sure, I have no idea what the Constitution of Kyrgyzstan actually says about conjugal visits from high priced call girls, but it must be a protected right! Right? I mean, after all, these murderers, thieves, and rapists deserve to have their nation not only house and feed them, but to also be bought the best hookers that tax payers can afford!

Imagine if our prison system stopped letting hookers visit our prisoners! That would cause nationwide panic! Oh sure, these call girls claim to be “girlfriends” but that is just a secret code. Kind of like yelling “Aardvark” to make the pain go away.

If these Rent-A-Girl services can’t provide comfort for these convicted felons, they may have to seek comfort out with each other. And how can a hardened prisoner ever maintain his reputation if he had to let his cell mate introduce a hardened exterior into his quivering posterior? That would be cruel and unusual punishment!

One must also wonder what other services may get banned from the prisons in Kyrgyzstan if this one remains in effect! Imagine if the prisoners can’t get their crack dealer to make deliveries anymore! Cigarette companies could risk Chapter 11! Or maybe they will take away their subscriptions to TV Guide, which would jeopardize the entire cable industry!

If people in prison can’t be given all the luxuries of the outside world without having to actually work a job to afford them, then that would seriously upset the status quo! Then people may actually be afraid to go to prison, and a lot of guards and wardens would be out of work. And eliminating jobs around the holidays is very bad! So we need to not only lock up more people to keep these men and women employed, but by not allowing prostitutes to visit we have possibly caused one of them to be let go from their pimping agency. Which means they won’t be able to have a white Christmas either – and everyone knows Christmas is better when you are blitzed on cocaine!

I think the people of Kyrgyzstan should take a lesson from Capitalist America and bundle different services with the hookers! For different price scales you could get all or part of the following things: girl, some Palm Malls, a shiv, a bag of weed, or some lube.

They could even open clinics near the prisons to help deal with unwanted STD’s – like pregnancy!

So people of Kyrgyzstan, do the right thing! After all, why should the people who may have destroyed the lives of someone you love miserable!


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