No, it’s not because I am lonely or anything like that…It’s because it is a commercialized piece of garbage…This holiday exists for no other reason than to sell more candy, cards, flowers, and jewelry. And it is a very sexist holiday. Why can’t I get flowers? Or better yet, some kind of electronic device? New set of Golf clubs? A six-pack of beer? A bottle of bourbon?
They say the best gift comes from the heart, but if you draw a picture in crayon and give it your girlfriend…You will be sleeping alone. Why isn’t the macaroni art I gave you good enough to show that I care?
Instead of dedicating a song to you, you expect me to buy you an iPod touch. What the hell am I getting for this? A prostitute would be cheaper…and at least with her I know I will not have to hear about her having a headache.
But if you really love her, you should buy her diamonds…I don’t even like myself enough to buy me diamonds. And once you get her that ring, bracelet, or necklace, you then are expected to go to dinner.
These dinners always tickle me because you can see the excitement on almost every guys face…They all look like they just gambled away the mortgage in Vegas. You can see them doing math in their heads for the interest payments they will have make while secretly hoping she doesn’t want dessert!
Yes, it is a sexist holiday. I mean if it were geared equally to both men and women they would hang condoms up for sale by the candy and flowers. Or maybe boxes of ammo in the jewelry store. You can be like baby I got you this 14k gold 2k diamond ring at Kays, and she can be like and I got you this AR15 with ACOG scope and 30 round mag in the same place!
And then you have your married friends throwing Valentines Day parties, while your single friends throwing anti-Valentines Day parties…which they are only against because they are single.
So, I think I’m gonna start a new tradition this year. I want you to come over to my house. Let me sell you a bunch of junk you don’t need. So that you can give it to someone who will probably dump you in a year. And we will call this event Valemercialism.