I Protest!

Folks, I am dismayed. Once, we were the greatest country on the face of the earth, but now, we are just a country of whiners. Every time I turn on the news, all I see are marginalized peoples holding signs and complaining about how years of systemic oppression have tipped the scales irrevocably against them.

Well, all I have to say is: suck it up, buttercup! Don’t you realize that I’ve been suffering, too? You’ve been so caught up with how police have been exterminating your people for generations or how you deserve the right to control what happens to your own body or that people should be allowed to get married to any other consenting adult that they choose regardless of their gender that you have completely failed to think about the tribulations that I have had to deal with. Like, just this morning, I went to Starbucks, and they were out of Pumpkin Spice Lattes! And that is a real problem, but you don’t see me complaining about it or holding signs to point out just how unjust not being able to purchase a cup of milk flavored with something that does not taste even remotely like a pumpkin is for people like me! Just think about how many sorority sisters had all their dreams dashed when they pulled up to that drive through!

No one in the past ever solved any problems by complaining. After all, we have several historical precedents to show that protests, peaceful or otherwise, are not needed to bring about social change. Why do you think we ended slavery? Or let women vote? Or granted equal rights to oppressed groups? It certainly was not because of people marching on Washington, I will tell you that! Those things only happened because the people in power knew it was the right thing to do after they were politely asked to stop treating people unfairly. We just need to wait until those in power decide that they have wronged us and be grateful that it wasn’t worse.

You should just accept the President the same way all of those conservatives did when Barack Obama was elected…twice. You didn’t see people protesting or states threatening to secede! We calmly expressed our congratulations to the winning side and knew we would have to work harder the next time.

And the demand for safe spaces? What is that about?

Sure, people try to point out that they are afraid because of the things he has said for most of his recorded life history. But these statements were taken out of context! They just seemed to heavily imply that he hated women, Hispanic peoples, African Americans, the disabled, veterans, and anyone who was not a rich, white dude. He later showed how remorseful he was by deflecting attention away from himself by talking about Hillary’s emails.

And sure, he told his supporters to attempt to assassinate Hillary Clinton or anyone else who opposed him, but that’s no different than what Stalin, Lenin, or Kim Jong-un would do in the name of national security and maintaining peace.

And sure, he has threatened to strip away the 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, and 19th Amendments, but he left the 2nd alone! That should count for something! And he hasn’t even mentioned altering any of the remaining Amendments…probably because he doesn’t know they exist.

And sure, he has been appointing known white nationalists to top positions within our government, but that doesn’t mean he supports white supremacy…it just means he values the rights and privileges of white people over anyone else. Just because a group synonymous with lynching brown people empathetically supported the election of Donald Trump and even went so far as to endorse him in their newspaper, does not mean Trump is okay with their message. After all, he eventually got around to sort-of denouncing the Klan by claiming he would have to research who they were before denouncing them. That’s completely understandable! After all, how would he know who they were? I mean, it’s not like the Klan ever burned a cross in his yard – he’s white.

So, yeah, I just don’t see why anyone is worried or why they would protest this election’s outcome. I mean, if you are going to protest and demand safe spaces, it should be over something incredibly important. Something that could be world ending or bring about the apocalypse. Something like…an extremely popular musical or the color of a coffee cup…

First, the theater is a dangerous place. After Mike Pence received a stern talking to by the actors of Hamilton, Donald Trump immediately jumped to Twitter to express his outrage.

See, The Donald knows that theaters should always be a safe space. After all, theater was originally designed as a space safe from poor people that rich people could go and pretentiously brag about attending to their other rich friends.

Besides, theater people are scary! I literally cannot count the number of times a theater person has tried to mug me on the subway…because it has literally never happened. And all that make-up they wear is just terrifying! Only clowns wear more and we all know that clowns are scary. The fact is Pence and other rich conservatives should have a safe space from having their feelings hurt, which is the absolute worst thing that they will ever experience. I applaud Trump for demanding an apology from his critics, after all, if his candidacy taught us anything, it’s that he has the emotional range of a toddler and being criticized makes him sad.

But that demand is nothing compared to a real issue we should all be concerned with: the lack of a red cup at Starbucks! I mean, Christians are right to be in an uproar over the chains decision to release a green cup this holiday season! It’s not like green is a Christmas color or anything! Have they no decency? And the green cup is plain! Where are my images of snowmen and Santa Claus? What Jesus say if he saw that Starbucks was not giving their customers cups inscribed with secular pagan images?

America, we have to start protesting the real “injustices” of the world! It is time for my problems to be addressed! After all, if America is first in everything, shouldn’t these problems be first in all the world?


Trumping Up Cries of Presidential Appropriation

1376580_10151878817796749_162570700_n     Folks, last night something magical happened. The Trump campaign decided to engage potential voters by reaching across party lines. And by reaching across party lines, I mean they decided to plagiarise a speech given by Michelle Obama in 2008. The Trump campaign gets it. They understand that, at the end of the day, their entire platform consists of the Donald trumping his own horn. So, what better way to show America that they have an original plan for the future of this great nation than by using the ideas of its current sitting President.

Funny-Donald-Trump-Jokes They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and who better to flatter than the man whose job you wish to take? After all, the Trump campaign recognizes that Obama is a strong, competent leader – even if Trump’s entire base refuses to acknowledge this! That’s what makes this so genius! They know that none of their base has ever actually listened to anything that our current President (or his wife) has ever said. This means that they can claim credit for every plan Obama has had since taking office! Just think, next year we can replace Obamacare with Trumpcare – it’s the same damn program, but the new, whiter name makes it more attractive!

And speaking of white standards of beauty, Trump’s wife, Melania, took full credit for writing this speech – until the backlash happened. Now suddenly, a whole team of writers are responsible for stealing Michelle Obama’s words. Donald, I thought you would learn by now that if you want to avoid embarrassment, you cannot invite the “liberal” media to any event you are taking part in. I mean they will only distort everything you say with facts, and who needs that! If your supporters wanted facts, they would be educated.

But I think the Donald will come out of this in an even better position than he went in. I mean think about it. Most people don’t actually have a problem with Obama’s views – as long as they are spoken by a white man. The Donald just needs to follow the President around, record everything he sayspiderman-meme-generator-for-the-sake-of-humanity-don-t-come-out-of-that-closet-8c7ce6s, and then speak it himself and he will be hailed a messiah by people who aren’t openly registered neo-nazis. That’s right, he is encouraging people to come out of the closet…as racists.

Folks, the proof is right there! Look at the applause that Melania received for this speech. His supporters basically gushed over every word. I think instead of criticizing his campaign for plagiarism, we should be thanking him for uniting two warring factions in DC. By using the words of Democrats, he can bring Democrats and Republicans together in a blissful utopia of ignorance and hopeful naivety – ignorance because his supporters won’t know the difference and hopefulness because his detractors will think he actually believes the things he says.

This is the kind of double-speak that Trump is known for. That’s why I am in full support of this tactic. Donald, I am speaking directly to you now, hire me as a staff writer for a ridiculous amount of money and I will scour the Internet, the archives, and popular culture to find every liberal message out there. Then I will write up the perfectly stolen speeches that will ensure everyone loves you. It’s a win-win. You can even keep talking about your wall, while simultaneously talking about tearing it down with kindness.

Face it, America – Trump is going to make plagiarism great again. In fact, why stop there? Trump could make only kinds of appropriations great again! After all, he is known for re-appropriating jobs from active duty veterans and housing from the elderly! What’s next? Hardcoimages (6)re gangster rap? The possibilities are truly endless…just like this mockery of an election cycle…

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Folks, I know it has been a long time since I sat down to share my thoughts with you. I’ll admit, I missed me too. The fact is, I haven’t had much inspiration. Let’s face it, when a presidential candidate can insult an entire race of people, disparage former war heroes and all POWs, hand out the cell phone numbers of his rivals, and still be the most popular candidate in his party because he is a business man who would be “great” for the economy despite having filed bankruptcy more times than I like to hit up the sesame chicken at the all-you-can-eat buffet, well it is safe to assume that the world has lost its collective mind. How can I make that more absurd than it already is?

     Besides, inspiration is a funny thing. One day you think you have found it, and it is everything that you have ever wanted in your life, and the next it is wanting to see other people. We just met! You can’t be tired of me already? Sure that person wants to talk about hilarious autocorrect fails and I just want to discuss plastic surgery that involves injecting concrete in your ass, but I thought we could work something out! I can branch out and be more flexible! I’m willing to experiment: maybe we can also talk about stalkers and potato salad!

All I am asking is for you to stick around long enough to see if there is chemistry – who knows, you may find that you like it! We don’t have to label it – we can just let it happen!

     But sadly folks, inspiration is not beholden to me. Like the leftovers from Thanksgiving, it has moved on to warmer, less fatty fare, while I linger in improperly sealed Tupperware containers in the fridge.

Folks, I guess what I am saying is, this might as well be the last entry of Sympathy For The Devil. I had a great run. I brought these weird little stories to you, sometimes you even laughed at them. I am touched and grateful for all of your support through these 5 years. 5 years, 300 posts, and nearly 73,000 views. I mean, that may not be a lot, but it seems like a lot to me, which is flattering. You have been a great audience.

So, as I close out this blog, I wanted to mention, in no particular order, some of my favorite moments.

1. Pastor Eric Dammann believes that the best way to bring people to Jesus is to beat the shit out of them. After all, Dammann knows that when Jesus said “lay down your plowshares and turn the other cheek,” what he really meant was get your hands dirty and hit them so hard that they turn away from you. From here.

2. Basil Marceaux is the world’s greatest politician. He’s been arrested numerous times for trying to make the flag “fly right” and lost more races than a three-legged greyhound. He wants to “immune” all his supporters from all crime and charge people for not packing heat. Click here for more Basil.

3. Levi’s Jeans knows what men want – to cross dress! That’s why they have fashioned a new style that is stolen straight from her closet – the Ex-Girlfriend Jean! For more info, click here.

4. You can find anything on Craig’s List. Looking for someone to watch Harry Potter with while naked, it’s there! Click here to see what else I have found.

5. Being beautiful hurts…especially when you have to fix your face with tire sealant… Click here to get the concrete out of your ass!

6. Flying to Vegas would be a sin, so I’m just gonna take this plane to Jesus! Click here to catch your flight!

7. Did you know that I’m a poet? Well, not really, but once I won a no-prize for limericks! Click here to read and watch that train-wreck!

Well, there you go – seven of my favorites. I hope that you have enjoyed the ride as much as I have.

Bitch-Slapping For Jesus!

     Folks, if you are anything like me, teenagers just make you so mad! I mean: they talk back, they are lazy, and worse, they are disrespectful to the lord. And by lord, I must assume they mean Calvert – you don’t mix whiskey that good with Mountain Dew, you sip it over ice!

But while I may mean Lord Calvert when I speak of the lord, some people use that title to address someone else. People like Pastor Eric Dammann who believes that anyone who disrespects his lord deserves a swift kick in the nuts.

Recently a video has surfaced from the Bible Baptist Church in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey, showing Dammann bragging about how he deals with “smart alec teenagers who don’t take the lord serious [sic].”

Dammann describes a day in which he met “Ben” who he describes as “a nice kid, but bright, which didn’t help things.” And because of that, Dammann knew that Ben would be trouble. Smart kids always are. Because they question things. Like why his church condemns homosexuality, but has bacon available for every breakfast. I mean, aren’t both of those things condemned in the very same book? Does his Pastor just pick and choose which sections to follow? But I digress…Dammann knew Ben “was dangerous.”

And danger only understands one response: violence. “So I walked over to him and went BAM! Punched him in the chest as hard as I could. I crumpled the kid. I just crumpled him.” He crumpled him, kinda like that time that semi ran over that volkswagen.

Folks, I don’t know about you, but I find it refreshing to see a pastor so caught up in his convictions to a god who preached peace and love that he would spread that god’s message by punching a smart kid hard enough to hospitalize him. Besides, this type of reaction is built into the church’s bylaws and history. According to the church website, this place of worship is dedicated to family values, and nothing says family like domestic violence.

     Folks, Dammann rightly understands that when Jesus said “lay down your plowshares and turn your other cheek,” what he was really saying is get your hands dirty and hit them so hard they have to turn away from you. That’s how Jesus wins an argument! He only pretends to be about peace and love and brotherhood, but really, he’s the founder of Fight Club.

I think this is a movement every good Christian should jump in on – Punching People for Jesus! Is there a person you know living in sin? It doesn’t matter what the sin is, do what Jesus would do and beat the shit out of them! Who needs compassion when you have a “right cross” to strike them down with. After all, there is no better way to get through to non-believers!

     This movement could change everything! We could start having church at the gym! Then not only are we helping bring people to god by assaulting them, we can help reduce the obesity rate in this great nation.

Think of all the new holidays we could steal to celebrate this new take on Christianity, like Boxing Day! I don’t know what it is about but it sounds awesome – plus, think of the merchandising possibilities! Hallmark, you are totally missing the boat by not having a “blind-sided by Jesus” Boxing Day Card! Cattle ranchers stand to gain here too! Think about how many more steaks we could sell if people are using them to bring the swelling down!

We could even merge this with the BDSM lifestyle! Think about, people already scream oh god there anyway, this is the perfect marriage of secular and religious practices!

Or maybe we could temper our anger, get therapy, and practice a bit of that love thy neighbor stuff…I mean, either works.

It’s Not Equality If Everyone Can Do It!

     Folks, the battle is over. I am officially raising the white flag on the ship that is Traditional Marriage. I know, I’ve held out longer than most…I mean, even Michelle Bachmann threw in the towel back in September when she declared “gay marriage not an issue” and “boring.” But how can thinking about another couple having hot, sweaty man sex ever be boring? I mean, I practically obsess over it!

     But like I said, it’s over. Another conservative dream flushed down the toilet – like slavery, wife-beating, and spousal rape. I mean what’s next America? Does this mean mean we will have to start paying people living wages? Or that women should be paid the same as men for performing the same work? Is my “not gay marriage” invalidated and will I be forced to get a “gay” one – because if so, I have the perfect guy picked out…plus, he’s a Zumba instructor!

But I digress. Today I want to talk about the biggest winners and losers of the battle between traditional marriage and marriage equality.

Perhaps the biggest loser in this whole battle are the homophobes. I mean, these court decisions have really impacted their way of life and, to them, is threatening the very fabric of security in our great nation. Because forget school shootings, two gay dudes saying “I do” to a life of  love and waking up next to the same person every day for the rest of their lives is what is really placed us in that handbasket to hell.

Think about it: Glenn Beck has already been expressing concern for “allowing marriage to deviate from one man – one woman to one man – one man or one woman – one woman.” He rightly understands that “by allowing the slightest change in these variables will result in polygamy.” And anyone who ever watched Sister Wives knows that polygamous relationships lead to ratings for TLC, which we cannot support because they are the channel of Satan. After all, they are the ones responsible for forcing the Duggars and Honey Boo Boo on us! Even cancelling a show on TLC leads to doing the devil’s handiwork, and I for one cannot wait to watch and then deny watching the porno featuring Mama June that Vivid is supposedly filming!

     Bill O’Reilly has taken it one step further by warning us that allowing gay marriage opens the door to inter-species relationships. Bill, normally I agree with everything that you have to say, but if you are looking at that goat and thinking about starting a sexual relationship…well, I’m pretty sure that goat doesn’t love you, and it will only take, take, take, until you have nothing left…after which, it will chew you up and spit you out! Trust me, I’m speaking from personal experience. FrEd, wherever you are, I love you so much. Just come home! It will be different this time!

Speaking of goats, Rush Limbaugh has resignedly raised the white flag on this issue too. He willingly acknowledges that “conservatives lost” this one. And Limbaugh knows all about marriage…after all, he’s been in four of them.

When you add up all of these points, it is easy to see that legalizing gay marriage is the set of good intentions that is really the path to hell. Besides, how can it really be called marriage equality if it tramples on the rights of those who already have the ability to get married? By having to share this particular crayon box, don’t we risk breaking or wearing down our favorite color, straight sex silver?


Since I spent so much time discussing the losers in this epic War, I guess I should acknowledge the real winners of marriage’s downfall – divorce attorneys. After all, the best way to end a marriage, is to be in one.

And I guess the LGBTQ community has a win here somewhere as well. I mean, now they can be as miserable as straight people – which may make them more relatable. When they were just shacking up, they were so damn happy and chipper. Now they can know what it’s like to be shackled to the same person day in and day out with death being their only escape.

     You see America, just as with everything else here, those vows you take are really just guidelines for competition, and the winner is the one who gets there first…

A Hot New Fad


     Folks, I was young once. I know, hard to believe, but it’s true. And when I was young, I was constantly chasing the newest fads. Usually that meant buying certain clothes, listening to really shitty music, wearing rubber bands as if it was jewelry, or taking part in highly competitive sports – like the Special Olympics. To this day, I still look at my medals with awe.

But today’s youth are into something a little hotter…namely, self-immolation YouTube videos. These kids are committing the ultimate party foul by dousing themselves in alcohol and then lighting up. When I was a teen, if someone wasted good booze this way, we would beat their ass. Sure, they are using rubbing alcohol, but if you don’t know any homeless people, then that may be the only way you can legally catch a buzz – and it tastes better than Listerine. Plus, when we said we were lighting up,, we were typically talking about illegal drugs, cigarettes, or a fancy cigar that our cultured friend would claim was from Cuba, but really came from that skeezy gas station on the outskirts of town.

     First off kids, what the hell are you thinking? You’re filming this and putting it up on YouTube…for free? I want to quote a great American now by saying, “if you’re good at something, never do it for free!” Don’t you know that this was how I paid for college the first time? Setting myself on fire for cash paid a lot better than being gigolo and a psychic did: mainly because I’m not very good-looking, and I do a horrible Mrs Cleo impression – Call me now for a free reading of my autobiography!

And I am not the only one to profit off of this, Barnum & Bailey made a small fortune having their freaks performers self-immolate in front of sold out crowds – plus, they got that same fifteen minutes of fame you were seeking!

The fact is, you can totally have a career with the circus…provided, you don’t die or get tired of being in agony for what amounts to minimum wage and free peanuts.

     The only other good reason to set yourself on fire is to prove a point. I mean, if you are losing an argument and then you douse yourself in gasoline and light up, no one can offer a rebuttal. Like that guy a few weeks ago who did it to protest social injustice, everyone knows he is dead serious about his point of view. I’ll be honest, I have thought about doing it to protest a 5th Twilight movie or Justin Bieber because you must have priorities.

Besides, you’re not Stephen Amell…you’re not going to get a following of faithful minions who worship your every tweet and status update just because you can successful hurt yourself in stupid ways…otherwise, Steve-O would still have a career.

     And do you know what else? If you keep perpetuating this new fad, no one will be afraid of hell anymore! Face it, if enough people see an “eternal” flame lick at your body while not consuming your body for fuel, it will kill religion. And that would hurt Jesus’ feelings! After all, how can we teach love and tolerance without the fear of spending an eternity in a fiery abyss?

Finally, let’s talk about the potential scars. Sure, chicks dig them, but only if you got those burns rescuing 70 puppies from a raging inferno threatening to destroy a pet store. If she finds out that you earned these scars to get more likes on Facebook, she is going to dump you – right after she laughs at you and tells everyone she knows just how stupid you are.

America, I know we have the need to be number one at everything, but being number one at stupidity just doesn’t sound that thrilling.

I Wasn’t Looking For This Kind of “Notre-iety”

     Folks, now I understand why I was rejected from Notre Dame’s graduate school – I don’t like Hot Pockets! I also don’t break into Massage parlors while high on synthetic marijuana.

I mean, I knew that there had to be a serious reason why Notre Dame wouldn’t want a student who was an accomplished researcher, had a nearly perfect GPA, and looks good in a kilt!

     Last Sunday, Brian McCurren, 19, smashed through a wall with a 100 lb flower-pot to get inside of a spa in South Bend, Indiana. The spa, Therapeutic Indulgence, is world-renowned for its Swedish massage techniques as well as keeping a refrigerator full of delicious treats like Drumsticks, Toaster Strudel, and Hot Pockets.

     It’s good to know that Notre Dame recruits the very best potential students for their institution – It makes getting passed over that much easier.

     I mean, think about it, it takes a highly intelligent person to perform complex problem solving behaviors when said person is “visibly intoxicated” and “high as a kite on fake marijuana.” I mean, how else could someone get inside of a public retail establishment other than smashing through the drywall with a makeshift hammer? I’ll bet he graduates at the top of his DUI class!

     Once McCurren managed to get inside of the massage parlor, he faced another problem – how to cook macaroni and cheese without burning the building down…which almost happened since police found him passed out with the mac & cheese on fire in the oven…

     I would argue that since the fire alarms were going off and that it had been discovered that he had sprayed a fire extinguisher in several rooms of the spa, that he was trying to put out the fire before he passed out – he just forgot where he started it! Of course, the police found him passed out with half a box of Hot Pockets eaten and two Drumstick cones melting on the kitchen table…so maybe he forgot that the combination of smoke and the noise from the fire alarm work together to warn people that a fire is present…

     Folks, this behavior is a problem…and one solution to preventing this behavior is clear – legalize real marijuana! I’ve never heard of a pothead doing this!  When’s the last time you did anything like this after smoking weed? I rest my case…After all, when a pothead wants junk food, they have pizza delivered.

     Think about it, every time the word synthetic and marijuana are used in the same sentence, bad things happen. Don’t believe me? Just look at this headline from Fox News: “Synthetic Marijuana Spreading Among Youth in Suburbia, Obama re-elected!”

     The second thing we can do is fire the people who handle matriculation at Notre Dame…I mean, seriously…you rejected me, but accepted this guy? What the *&^% is wrong with you? I mean, I can party too, okay? I can be down with vandalism and destruction of private property, if that’s what it takes! Just call me!

    To sum up everything, I’ll end with a statement that McCurren made when asked if he had been doing drugs: “I sure hope so!” Me too, Kidd, me too – because if you do this kind of shit sober, you are definitely not invited to my house for dinner…

Can You Hear Me Now?

     Folks, when God speaks, do you listen? For instance if God told you to get into church, what would you do to meet his demand? Well, if you are Stephanie Hamman, 23, of Church Hill, Tennessee, you not only hear God talking to you, but when he tells you to get into church – you park your car in the center pew!

This story starts after Stephanie “smokes a lot of weed.” In fact, she smokes so much weed, that God tells her that smoking “all day and night” is probably bad for her health, and she should probably think about cutting back to just a doobie or two before bed. But, I am getting ahead of myself, first after smoking more weed than Cheech and Chong have seen in their lifetimes, Stephanie began to hear the voice of God.

He told her that “the devil was in” her; furthermore, he wanted her to go to church. “So God told me He wanted me in there, so I drove my car through the front doors.” That’s because parking out front wastes time that could be spent praying. Plus, the church was technically closed, how else was she going to unlock the building? She knew that God provides, and the key he gave her was a Toyota Celica. That’s right folks, God doesn’t shop American, which is unAmerican of him! Sure, you get better gas mileage before you commit vandalism, but wouldn’t this story have been more ironic if she had driven a Ram?

     But God wasn’t the only one speaking to her in that moment! She was involved in conference call with the upstairs and downstairs managers at the same time! While God was telling her to get inside of that church, the devil told her to bring a knife with her…because her husband was a worshipper of NASCAR. I mean, if you need a religion, that one is pretty easy to follow – after all, it’s all left turns.

After stumbling out of her car, she prostrated herself (and her knife) in front of the altar and prayed. It was then that God told her that she she “only needed to smoke pot to relax at night.” Then, in a compromising move, God and Satan told her to call her husband. She knew what she had to do.

Her husband, Steve, arrived a few minutes later. Worried, he ran to the altar to check on his wife who was laying motionless on the floor. As soon as Steve touched Stephanie’s shoulder, all hell broke loose. Stephanie screamed, “the devil is in me,” as she stabbed him in the side. Reflecting back on the incident with police officers, she said, “I prayed I would not have to use it on him, but I did.”

I mean, I can completely empathize with Stephanie. I mean, who hasn’t had God and Satan demanding that you destroy other people’s property and stab your spouse? I mean, you can’t tell those guys no!

But why did Stephanie choose that church? “I was riding with them to a party at the racetrack when they brought me here,” she told police. “I was outside digging in the mud when the devil told me I need to go there. I knew God would help me live right.” Plus, she had been baptized there just last Sunday!

When interviewed, Pastor Joel Trigg said, “I have never seen her before in my life.”

    Wait…what? How could the pastor of the church she made into her garage not remember a baptism from less than a week ago? “I smoke a bunch of weed. I love to smoke it. Sometimes when I do, I start seeing things that others don’t. Isn’t God good? He told me that this would happen, and just look, I am okay.”

Oh, well that makes sense.

Folks, we have to legalize weed now. How else can we have such intimate discussions with heaven and hell? Sure we could seek out a priest and go to confession, but this sounds like a lot more fun. Now that I think about it, I’ll bet this was what the burning bush was made of! And if it is good enough for Moses and Stephanie, then isn’t it good enough for us? To hell with medical marijuana, I say bring on spiritual marijuana! Then we won’t need the Pope to talk to God for us! Just think, all those years of our youth that we thought we wasted getting high was actually the closest we have ever been to Heaven.

     Folks, I can forgive God for not buying American, but I’m not sure I can forgive him for keeping this direct phone line such a secret.

And Unto Your Commandments I Give You One Other, Blow S*%$ Up!


     Folks, I am a happy man. Happy because I know that when Jesus comes back, he will be coming back for me and he will be covered in blood – like the psycho from the Saw movies…

This was the claim made last fall at the WallBuilders’ Pro-Family Legislators Conference by Lt. General Jerry Boykin of the Family Research Council. Boykin also told his audience that Jesus will come back carrying an AR-15.

That’s right America, Boykin doesn’t buy into that liberal crap that claims Jesus was a hippie who instructed humanity to turn the other cheek. He knows that the real Jesus was a “manly man” who wouldn’t hesitate to bust a few caps on his neighbors. After all, Jesus said turn “your weapons into plowshares,” that way he wouldn’t have any resistance when he decides to kill us all.

That’s why we have the 2nd Amendment! Or at least that’s why Boykin says we have it. The bible clearly instructs us to place the biggest sword available to us in our personal armories, and today that sword is a military grade assault rifle! The founding fathers knew this too, which is why they added a note to the 2nd Amendment that says, “Machine Guns F*** YEAH!”

Boykin knows that the inspiration for that Amendment, as well as the entire Constitution, is biblical – that little clause about separating church and state was Satanist lies inserted by that Atheist bastard, Franklin. After all, there is a reason he was never President (besides the fact that he never actually ran), and that reason was spent too much time reading and not enough time blowing shit up.

     I’m with you Boykin, American families don’t need better job security, higher wages so they can eat and pay bills, health insurance, or more education opportunities for their children so they can find some means of social mobility; no American’s need gun-toting, bloody Jesus to help usher in a Golden Age of Peace…a Golden Age that can only begin after brutally slaying anyone who may disagree with sane members of society like Boykin. That’s why I totally agree with his advice that good Christians can prove their loyalty to God by purchasing as many of these weapons as they can!

     But I don’t think you are thinking long-term enough. After all, if all good Christians get AR-15s, won’t those communist atheists buy rocket-propelled grenades? Why not encourage the good people of America, i.e. Christians, to start buying land mines and tanks. And after the godless commies buy similar items, encourage them to buy weapons grade plutonium so we can start building homemade nukes! After all, we can only be closer to God by sending each other to meet him in the fastest ways possible.

I mean, how else could you ever be expected to love your neighbor without first knowing you could take him out during the zombie apocalypse. Besides, ammunition is expensive! And the fact that you are willing to shoot them to begin with is the real definition of love!

Folks, Jesus never wanted humanity to become a pacifist species. Otherwise he would have made sure that his biographers wrote extensively about his views on love and peace.

Getting Happy After My Meal

     Folks, I love buying Happy Meals just for the prize – especially when that prize is an ounce of heroin and a quarter of marijuana. I mean, how else can you choke down food from McDonald’s unless you are stoned out of your mind.

On January 29, 2014, undercover officers arrested 26-year-old Shantia Dennis of Pittsburg for selling heroin and weed through the drive-thru window. Apparently, she was just following instructions from the company website on ways to make ends meet. For those who haven’t heard, McDonald’s has offered advice for making living wages that included things like: getting a second job, selling all your Christmas presents, selling sperm or other bodily fluids, and/or taking up prostitution – they suggested mixing and matching these to ensure you can feed your family! So what she did wasn’t so bad, she just got a second job!

She even devised an intricate and foolproof way to sell the illegal items. A person would order a ‘toy’ from the drive-thru. Then this person would go to the first window to pay for it, and be given a Happy Meal box containing the special surprise. Since the customer would now have what they came for, they would bypass the second window and leave. How could this system ever go wrong?

Remember when they had those exclusive Transformers toys? You could buy a pound of crack cheaper than those things went for on eBay! I can totally see a customer purchasing what they believe is an exclusive toy, going so far as to end up paying an exorbitant fee…only to be upset that they only bought some smack and ganja – and to relieve their sadness, they would need to use all that smack and ganja!

     With more people switching to healthier alternatives, McDonald’s should appreciate the fact that employees like Shantia are doing everything in the power to increase sales. She is just following the first rule of business: give the customer what they want, and in this case her customers want to be f***ed up. I don’t see a problem!

In fact, this is a much better idea than sponsoring the Olympics because at least Shantia knows who McDonald’s customer base is. After all, McDonald’s regular customers don’t watch the Olympics, and I am pretty sure that none of them participate in them! I mean, let’s keep this real, the closest McDonald’s got to legitimately being in the Olympics was when John Candy played that bobsled coach in Cool Runnings.

America, we are supposed to reward the entrepreneurial spirit! After all, isn’t every capitalist some type of criminal? Sure, what she did wasn’t quite on the level, but neither was Toyota selling millions of cars that had faulty braking systems, which they knew could result in thousands of deaths just because it is cheaper to recall the ones that do have problems than prevent the problem to begin with.

     Besides, hasn’t the CIA done this since Vietnam? If so, isn’t she just doing her patriotic duty by helping finance a black ops organization? We should be giving her a medal, not a mugshot!

Well, Shantia, once all this hoopla is over, if Mickey D’s won’t let you keep your job, I have a new one in mind – Governor of Florida. After all, our current one was convicted of 14 felonies before he got the job….